Chuck Norris can't touch Jack Bauer

For all you guys who watch “24”  on Fox, you know how tough Jack Bauer is? This is how tough he is :D I got these from a site online, I’ll post the link once I find it again…
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The city of Los Angeles once named a street after Jack Bauer in gratitude for his saving the city several times.  They had to rename it after people kept dying when they tried to cross the street.  No one crosses Jack Bauer and lives.
                         
Jack Bauer once went into a bar, and asked for a 'Jack Bauer'. He received three shots of Jack Daniel's, a shot of kerosene and four shots of tequila mixed. When seeing this, another man approached the bar and asked for a Jack Bauer. He got a 9mm round to the face.

Don't beg Jack Bauer to shoot you. He will simply shoot your wife. No man tells Jack Bauer what to do.
              
If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.
                               
Jack Bauers calender goes from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Jack Bauer.

In order to control illegal immigration in the United States, the president installed cardboard cutouts of Jack Bauer along the US/Mexico border.
              
Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland.  Jack Bauer gets played by no man.

If everyone on "24" followed Jack Bauer's instructions, it would be called "12".

Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys.  He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
  
Jack doesn't believe in Murphy's Law, only Bauer's Law: "Whatever CAN go wrong, WILL be resolved in a period of 24 hours."
                   
If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef, then it's freakin’ beef.
                   
Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.
                   
When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer hates lemonade.
                   
It wasn't the needle that killed Tony... it was Jack's death grip in thinking he was already dead.
                   
1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.
                   

            
Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.

Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
                   
Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.
                   
Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.
                      
There have been no terrorist attacks in United States since Jack Bauer has appeared on television.
                   
Jack Bauer sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
                   
It's no use crying over spilt milk... Unless that was Jack Bauer's milk. Oh you are so screwed.

Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.

Osama bin Laden's recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.

Tony was once shot in the neck, rushed to the hospital, underwent emergency surgery and was back on the job in just a few hours. Jack Bauer still can't believe that wimp went to the hospital first.

Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.

When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.
                   
Jack Bauer shops at Costco... without membership.
                    
Superman's only weakness is Kryptonite. Jack Bauer laughs at Superman for having a weakness.

Jack Bauer doesn't speak any foreign languages, but he can make any foreigner speak English in a matter of minutes.
                         
Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time.  Wait, that is a real fact.
                               
Quetin Tarantino was asked to direct a biography about Jack Bauer.  He passed.  It was too violent.
          
            
In 96 hours, Jack Bauer has killed 93 people and saved the world 4 times. What have you done with your life?

There is the right way, the wrong way, and the Jack Bauer way.  It's basically the right way but faster and more deaths.
                   
There are three leading causes of death among terrorists.  They are all Jack Bauer.
                               
If Jack Bauer shot you while quail hunting, it wouldn't be an accident.

Jack Bauer could strangle you with a cordless phone.
                   
When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.
                      
On a high school math test, Jack Bauer put down "Violence" as every one of the answers.  He got an A+ on the test because Jack Bauer solves all his problems with Violence.

Sun Tzu once wrote, "If your enemy is weaker, conquer him.  If he is stronger, join him. If he is Jack Bauer, you're freakin’ dead."
                   
In the 18 months where Jack Bauer was presumed dead, Tony Almeida was put in a coma, Michelle and David Palmer were killed, a major hurricane raveged the Gulf Coast, and Rob Schneider made another movie.  See what happens when Bauer isn't around?

If Jack Bauer misspells a word, your dictionary is wrong.

Jack Bauer teaches a course at Harvard entitled: "Time Management: Making the Most Out Of Each Day."

Men are ok with their wives fantasizing about Jack Bauer during sex; because they are doing the same thing.

In high school Jack Bauer was voted "Most Likely to Kill the Foreign Kid"... and "Best Eyes."

When President Palmer quit to start doing Allstate commercials, it took him 43 takes before he could stop saying, "You're in good hands with Jack Bauer".

The Black Eyed Peas were just The Peas until Jack Bauer heard their music.

When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer once called the Vice President "Mr. President", but realized his mistake and shot the President.  Jack Bauer is never wrong.            
            
Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.
                   
Jack Bauer got Hellen Keller to talk.
                   
My parents told my little brother and I that Jack Bauer was "just a television character". We are now orphans.
                   
Jack Bauer removed the "Escape" button from his keyboard. Jack Bauer never needs to escape.
                   
Jack Bauer once killed so many terrorists that at one point, the #5 CIA Most Wanted fugitive was an 18-year-old teenager in Malaysia who downloaded the movie Dodgeball.
                   
When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.
              
People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer.
              
One time The Rock raised his eyebrow to Jack Bauer.  This is why he is no longer able to wrestle.
                   
When Batman is in trouble, he turns on the  Jack Bauer signal.
                   
If Jack Bauer saw a terrorist reaching for a bomb to blow himself up, Jack would shoot the bomb first. Nobody steals a kill from Jack Bauer.
                   
You can lead a horse to water.  Jack Bauer can make him drink.
                   
When Jack Bauer goes to the airport and the metal detector doesn't go off, security gives him a gun.
                               
In kindergarten, Jack Bauer killed a terrorist for Show and Tell.
                   
There are no such thing as lesbians, just women who never met Jack Bauer.
                   
"Jack Bauer" is Arabic for "I'm screwed".
                   
If Jack Bauer was gay, his name would be Chuck Norris.
                   
During the commercials, Jack Bauer calls the CSI detectives and solves their crimes.
                   
Nobody says 'hit me' when Jack Bauer deals Blackjack.
                   
After 7 minutes of interrogation at the hands of Jack Bauer, Tom Cruise admitted that he was gay.

Due to Jack Bauer, no one looks forward to the weekend anymore, they look forward to the weekend being over, and watching 24 on Monday.

Jack Bauer makes onions cry.

If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Stalin and Hitler so they wouldn't have to bear witness to what he'd do to Nina.

If you're holding a gun to Jack Bauer's head, don't count to three before you shoot.  Count to 10.  That way, you get to live 7 seconds longer.

Finding Nemo would have been vastly more exciting had Jack Bauer been looking for him.

If Jack and MacGyver were locked in a room together, Jack would make a bomb out of MacGyver and get out.

Jack Bauer literally died for his country, and lived to tell about it.

The rules of poker have recently been revised. Now the winning hand is the one with the most Jacks in it.

Jack Bauer knows Victoria's secret.

Jack Bauer uses #1 pencils on standardized tests.... Jack Bauer doesn't associate with anything that is #2.

Jack Bauer was conceived by torturing the other sperm until they gave up the location of the egg.